Monday, September 22, 2008

Charlie's No Angel

I don't have any art to post. I just finished up page four and sent it off to C-bag for inks. I'm a little embarrassed at how ungodly slow I've been on this. I should have been done weeks ago. I tend to fidget too much with it, I guess. I drew one panel several times. (No, Todd. Not that one.) I have been doodling at work in my downtime but there's nothing worth showing. I'm toying with the idea of doing a Halloween-themed header for the blog. That has me kind of excited. But I've got a lot going on including a mountain of paperwork I thought I was done with but which has circled around and flanked me, soooo...

Anyway, for you animal lovers, I promised the oh-so-riveting story of Charlie's vicious-smelling poop. 

Last May, when we were taking Charlie down for his first trip to Harker's Island with his cousin Toonces, (who's been down about thirty times by now) he crapped in his cage before we'd gone five miles. It was absolutely horrible. We were laughing and gagging and almost wrecked. We pulled over and had to improvise to get it cleaned up without him running out into traffic. Toonces seemed mortified by the whole experience as if Charlie was an embarrassment to catdom. 

He's a sweet, affectionate cat and we love him dearly but Charlie is like Oscar Madison to Tooncie's Felix Unger. While Toonces is content wander quietly from room to room and occasionally sit in my lap or in the window, Charlie tears through the house like a Tasmanian Devil. He knocks breakable things off high perches, unplugs DVRs in mid-recording, tips drinks over onto important papers and howls at the moon at two in the morning when everyone else is trying to sleep. When Toonces jumps into my lap, it's like a leaf fluttering on a gentle breeze. Charlie, on the other hand, leaps onto my thighs and punches me in the nuts two or three times, screaming, "Haiiiii-yah!" And while Toonces holds his mookie stinks for the entire six-hour drive every time like a gentleman, Charlie likes to announce his presence to his fellow travelers. With his butt.

This trip, we were ready. We didn't really think he'd do it again but we wanted to be sure. We went armed with paper towels, plastic bags and sanitary wipes and had lined his carrier with newspaper. Sure enough, about twenty minutes into the trip, Suzanne was in mid-sentence: "I think maybe we should stop by and see—OH MY GOD! HE SHIT IN HIS CAGE AGAIN!!!" We lowered the windows and, hands over mouths, raced to the next exit and into a gas station parking lot. Screeching to a halt, we both rolled out the doors and onto the pavement laughing hysterically, gasping for breath. It was like a scene out of a Cheech and Chong movie. You have to understand. Charlie's poops are HUGE. He should charge by the pound. And the smell is like something out of a horror movie. I kept wishing for that stuff Jodie Foster rubbed under her nose when she examined the murder victim in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. You could almost hear the "FLASH!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEE...!"

We unhooked the carrier and turned it around and Suze held Charlie to one side while I rolled the Herculean poop up in the newspaper and shoved the mess into a bag. I replaced it with a fresh towel. I dumped the bag in the trash and, as I was walking back to the Suburban, Suze and I noticed that the lady across the parking lot had been watching us and was laughing like she was watching a sitcom.

It was pretty funny (you had to be there) but the damn car smelled like cat shit for an hour or more. I remember hoping the smell wasn't getting into the clothes. I'm not looking forward to the next time.


Chris Gardner said...

What a shitty story...Ha haha..... ha ..... ahem, sorry.

Suzanne said...

Isn't that a hip hop song?

Poop! There it is...

Christian D. Leaf said...

C-Bag? Goal is to have page four inked before you head to Baltimore, so I can start harping on you for page five and six.

I can truly imagine the smell of Charlie's Road Biscuit, especially after using Mike's vacuum cleaner and by using I mean being enveloped in the Funk Fog of Charlie it put out. I'm gagging just thinking about it again.

Rich Faber said...


THANK YOU so much for making me laugh out loud! You have definitely caused me personal embarrassment in a public place for not being able to control my fits of laughter. And I thank you for that. I know you know why this means so much to me (as well as where we are), and thank you and Suze for everything.

If all goes well, I'll see you guys this weekend!


PS: Belated Happy Birthday too! Mine's coming up (same day as Todd's), and I'm pretty sure you and I are "celebrating" the same certain age... hope it was a good one!

Matt Wieringo said...

Hey, Rich! I hope you can make it. Glad I could bring you some smiles.

Brian said...

That story is laugh out loud funny.

Thanks for sharing.

Jadielady said...

Hahha oh that is hilarious. I feel ya on the 2 cat 2 very distinct personalities. Is Toonces much older than Charlie?
My 2 cats are similar, except that Kitty, my 9 year old is the calm one AND the stinky one. But he's very embarrassed about them.

Leanne said...

This post made me laugh out loud several times, enough for Rod to call out from the other room to ask me what the hell was going on.

That is the funniest thing I have read in a looong time. The 'Silence of the Lambs' reference is priceless.

Matt Wieringo said...

Well, then. See, hon? I told you I was funny. No? Oh. Okay.

Jadielady, Toonces is MUCH older. He's 17 and Charlie is only 4. He was Mike's little buddy and we've only had him living with us for a year. It kind of feels like he's always been with us but Toonces would beg to differ. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Matt,
That's just too damn funny.

You sure know how to tell a great story.
I couldn't stop laughing. Had to catch my breath before I continued reading, at least twice.

Unfortunately, I can't make Baltimore this weekend.
Hope you all have a great time.

Heywood Jablomie said...

oh man that's a great story! thanks for sharing man and the descriptions were just hilarious!

Squeeze said...

One small funny detail that Matt left out was on our first time down, Matt was actually on the phone with my mother at the time- she always calls us to make sure we're on the road. I was driving so Matt took the call. They are having a nice civilized conversation when I start howling that Charlie crapped his cage and "The smell......THE SMELL.......LORDHELPMEJEEBUSPLEASE!" My mother had no sympathy and laughed hysterically at Matt.